It's hard to refuse to do a favor. I don't like to disappoint someone who wants something from me, and I really dislike the part where I have to come right out and say no. It's not "nice." It's "selfish." It's "bad manners." I have never felt empowered to stand my ground and decline to do something that another person wants me to do.
I was chatting to a friend today via IM and mentioned a situation where a colleague wanted a favor. It doesn't matter what the favor was, but assume that it would have been heavy and ongoing, and would have severely impinged on my personal boundaries. I was in the process of typing, "I know he wants me to do this, but I really really don't want to."
Then I stopped myself. I backspaced and re-wrote it:
"I know he wants me to do this, but I will not."
That was a thrill, and a revelation: I. Will. Not. It is my will to not do this thing.
Just look at the difference in the wording there. "Really don't want to" is weak. It's saying that I have fairly strong feelings about this, but not strong enough to actually take a stand. "Really really don't want to" is pathetic. It's saying, "Please don't make me do this! I'm entirely at your mercy, but please take pity on me!"
Contrast that with "I will not," which means that this issue is not open to discussion. More than even a simple no, "I will not" is a statement of my intention with an implied certainty that this must and shall come to pass.
When a person asks me to sacrifice myself for their benefit, "I will not" is a perfectly acceptable answer. This is my decision to make, and I don't need my colleague's permission not to do this favor for him. I need to hear myself say it, and believe it.
"I will not."
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Thoughts..
Now that I'm old, I realize that people are being ironic when they claim to be old.
I hate it when I'm sending a finely crafted joke text and auto-correct spoils my punch llama.
The heating element on the stove is called a "burner," which tells you everything you need to know about our appliances' faith in our culinary skills.
If you offer someone some food and say, "I'm pretty sure there's nothing wrong with this," they are less likely to eat it. Which is odd, considering that most snacks come with no guarantee at all.
Handy trick: If you've had a terrible day, toss back a shot of cheap tequila. I guarantee you'll realize your day wasn't so bad--before you had that shot of cheap tequila.
Whenever I suddenly slap my hands together and someone looks at me knowingly and says, "bug?" I like to say "no; I'm happy and I know it."
Monday, March 2, 2015
To Thine Own Self Be True
It seems to me like people have the wrong idea about what it means to be true to yourself. You'll hear people say things like "I'm just going to be myself, and if people don't like it, they can...." They're taking the advice to be yourself to mean: "do whatever you feel like doing and be proud of it."
I don't think that's the intention at all. It's easy to just go along doing whatever comes naturally. There's no virtue there. Every thoughtless, lower-brain thing you do is going to be 'yourself.' The important thing is to be true to your own code of ethics, the rules that you've adopted as governing your own life.
Let's say that Karen believes in being honest with people no matter the consequences. For Karen, being true to herself means refusing to make a false statement in order to keep the peace, even when pressured to do so. On the other hand, Mike abhors speaking unkindly about other people behind their backs, and prefers to look for the good in everyone. For Mike, being true to himself means refusing to join in when other people are being critical of others, even if what they're saying is true. Karen and Mike's values might sometimes seem to be in conflict with each other, but neither one is being "fake" if they follow their own belief system.
Now let's say that a third person, Frank, has had an argument with Karen, because she told him to stop talking during the movie. Frank says that Karen has no right to tell him how to live his life, and stomps off. Frank later tells Mike that Karen is a bossy jerk, and that he's not going to bend to her will; he's just going to be himself, and if she doesn't like it, tough.
The problem here is that Frank's not defending a system of beliefs--unless he's got a moral obligation to talk during movies--he's just denying responsibility for his actions. There's no merit in that. It's possible that Frank doesn't have any rules for his life, and that he's just going along doing whatever comes naturally. If so, then he probably needs to do some work, but if he chooses not to, he's earning no points for "being himself."
I don't think that's the intention at all. It's easy to just go along doing whatever comes naturally. There's no virtue there. Every thoughtless, lower-brain thing you do is going to be 'yourself.' The important thing is to be true to your own code of ethics, the rules that you've adopted as governing your own life.
Let's say that Karen believes in being honest with people no matter the consequences. For Karen, being true to herself means refusing to make a false statement in order to keep the peace, even when pressured to do so. On the other hand, Mike abhors speaking unkindly about other people behind their backs, and prefers to look for the good in everyone. For Mike, being true to himself means refusing to join in when other people are being critical of others, even if what they're saying is true. Karen and Mike's values might sometimes seem to be in conflict with each other, but neither one is being "fake" if they follow their own belief system.
Now let's say that a third person, Frank, has had an argument with Karen, because she told him to stop talking during the movie. Frank says that Karen has no right to tell him how to live his life, and stomps off. Frank later tells Mike that Karen is a bossy jerk, and that he's not going to bend to her will; he's just going to be himself, and if she doesn't like it, tough.
The problem here is that Frank's not defending a system of beliefs--unless he's got a moral obligation to talk during movies--he's just denying responsibility for his actions. There's no merit in that. It's possible that Frank doesn't have any rules for his life, and that he's just going along doing whatever comes naturally. If so, then he probably needs to do some work, but if he chooses not to, he's earning no points for "being himself."
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