It's hard to refuse to do a favor. I don't like to disappoint someone who wants something from me, and I really dislike the part where I have to come right out and say no. It's not "nice." It's "selfish." It's "bad manners." I have never felt empowered to stand my ground and decline to do something that another person wants me to do.
I was chatting to a friend today via IM and mentioned a situation where a colleague wanted a favor. It doesn't matter what the favor was, but assume that it would have been heavy and ongoing, and would have severely impinged on my personal boundaries. I was in the process of typing, "I know he wants me to do this, but I really really don't want to."
Then I stopped myself. I backspaced and re-wrote it:
"I know he wants me to do this, but I will not."
That was a thrill, and a revelation: I. Will. Not. It is my will to not do this thing.
Just look at the difference in the wording there. "Really don't want to" is weak. It's saying that I have fairly strong feelings about this, but not strong enough to actually take a stand. "Really really don't want to" is pathetic. It's saying, "Please don't make me do this! I'm entirely at your mercy, but please take pity on me!"
Contrast that with "I will not," which means that this issue is not open to discussion. More than even a simple no, "I will not" is a statement of my intention with an implied certainty that this must and shall come to pass.
When a person asks me to sacrifice myself for their benefit, "I will not" is a perfectly acceptable answer. This is my decision to make, and I don't need my colleague's permission not to do this favor for him. I need to hear myself say it, and believe it.
"I will not."
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