Now that I'm old, I realize that people are being ironic when they claim to be old.
I hate it when I'm sending a finely crafted joke text and auto-correct spoils my punch llama.
The heating element on the stove is called a "burner," which tells you everything you need to know about our appliances' faith in our culinary skills.
If you offer someone some food and say, "I'm pretty sure there's nothing wrong with this," they are less likely to eat it. Which is odd, considering that most snacks come with no guarantee at all.
Handy trick: If you've had a terrible day, toss back a shot of cheap tequila. I guarantee you'll realize your day wasn't so bad--before you had that shot of cheap tequila.
Whenever I suddenly slap my hands together and someone looks at me knowingly and says, "bug?" I like to say "no; I'm happy and I know it."
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